How are we to treat a spouse who has chosen to separate from you either emotionally, physically or by divorce?
I was thinking about this topic while speaking to a friend in a marriage that is in a struggle. The wife is apathetic and detached both physically and emotionally. My friend is a Christian who is wanting to be obedient to God in his marriage. He is struggling in his heart, due to the lack of any intimacy with his bride, which can cause a wondering eye. The physical relationship between husband and wife is mandated in scripture. When the relationship has grown cold and the spouse is not wanting any contact, it causes a dangerous time for both parties, due to the temptations of the world, that tells us that it is ok to go look elsewhere for fulfillment in another person. One spouse will intentionally ignore or even create friction in the marriage relationship. Whether done with a conscience effort or by apathy and neglect, the result is the same. The hope is that the other will choose to just give up and move on. This is a way the offending party will feel justified in leaving, claiming the role of the victim because the spouse cheated or filed for divorce. This is done so as to make the offender think and feel in their own mind that they are right in the eyes of God. Fact is, this is not right with God by any stretch of the imagination or butchering and twisting of the Scriptures for the desired outcome.
What I’ve observed in some instances is that the spouse who wishes to be free of the marriage, has just enough guilt of the knowledge that going outside of the marriage bed is adultery. The offended spouse will think that they are clear biblically, when they are in fact a contributor in the neglect of what they promised to not do, in their vows, which is sin. They will sometimes even claim they have “peace” about the separation, thinking that if it were not okay with God then how come they have that “peace”. God cannot contradict His scripture when He says He hates divorce. God goes even further by giving instructions on how a marriage should operate. The husband and wife both have responsibilities according to God’s Word. To work as a team together to not only take care of the family but put each other before themselves. Ephesians is clear on this.
If you’re in this type of scenario, you have two choices:
- Obedience to God
- Disobedience to God
One leads to restoration of one’s heart, even if the choice of the other is to be disobedient. Remember, you can only control what you do and the choices you make, not the choices of your spouse.
The one making the disobedient choice will lead them down a path of destruction in every relationship they have afterward. God will not bless a sinful choice no matter how much peace they may feel while making the move. If the feeling of peace is not from God, when it’s choosing to follow sin, thus it only has one other direction it could come from.
I’ve heard comments like “God is a forgiving God” and “God knows my heart” and so on. This is an excuse to try and justify their actions while seeking happiness in another avenue. This is in fact doing what you want (sin) and asking or even expecting God to bless and agree with your choices. This would make God a liar, and that is not possible.
To sin on purpose is dangerous at the least and a path to destruction at its worst. One who is thinking of making such choices should ask some simple questions of themselves
- Is this what God would agree with?
- Is the very short and temporary pleasure worth the eternal price tag of loss?
Before choosing, when referring to the believer, you need to make an educated choice. For those of us who have received salvation through Christ, we will not answer for our sins at the Judgement Seat of Christ, because Christ paid that price for us. We will however answer for what we did with what He entrusted to us. According to this judgement, we will either gain or lose eternal treasures. The act of adultery and the disobedience that accompanies it will be one of the factors.
If you’re an unbeliever, then your sins are not forgiven by Christ. In this case there is a very different scenario awaiting you. The unbeliever will face Christ, the Judge of everyone, at what is called the White Throne Judgement. The sin of adultery will also weigh heavily here, but the difference is this, for the believer, they will lose eternal reward (not their salvation) but, for the unsaved, this will increase the torment they suffer with for that same eternity.
Question for the obedient spouse: if your spouse was injured and placed into a wheelchair, would you abandon them? If not, then why would you abandon them while they are in a spiritual wheelchair? To have this mindset is for you to also make a choice to act a way in accordance to God’s Word.
If the spouse, despite all of the attempts to save the marriage, still leaves and chooses the sinful life, then make absolutely sure you did everything in your power to follow God’s instructions to save the marriage. Also, I would stay single and free in case an opportunity of reconciliation occurs. If the other person remarries, then there is no longer any biblical chance of restoration. God’s Word is clear on this. He states that if one divorces for anything other than a bonified biblical reason, and marries another, they commit adultery and you can’t remarry them later on down the road, for any reason. To go against God on this is an abomination. You are however clear to remarry.
Colossians 1:13-14 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
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- Matthew 5:5:27-28
- Matthew 5:31-32
- 1 Corinthians 7:1-9
- Ephesians 5:22-33
- 1 Corinthians 3:11-15
- 2 Corinthians 5:9-10
- Revelation 20:11-15